This is probably the last email that I`m going to send while I still have the calling as a full time missionary. Being a missionary is what I am. I am a missionary. Not a very good one but I am a missionary. And I don`t know how to do anything else. I feel......I feel way too many things about my mission. I feel like in that jeffery r. holland talk. `My love is richer than my tongue...I cannot heave my heart into my mouth.'
I haven`t done everything perfectly as a missionary. It`s been harder than I ever imagined it would be. I didn`t enjoy every second of it but I can say that there was never a day where I didn`t at least try, sometimes it was a half effort because I felt exhausted spiritually but I`ve always tried. I feel......I feel like I am a good missionary. I remember, in chapter eight of Preach My Gospel there`s an activity that is like, ' imagine your last day in the mission. what do you want to say you`ve done as a missionary this day?` and throughout my mission i`ve done that activity various times and everytime I can only think of, `I just want to do everything that the Lord expects of me.' And I feel like I have. I have done everything that he expects of me. I`ve done everything I could. I`ve strived to be obedient, I`ve tried my best en everything and I have truly come to realize a line in my patriarcal blessing that says, ' Let the gospel not only be a part of your life but let the gospel be what you are'.
The gospel is what I am. Maybe because i`m living the gospel more fully than ever before in my life and maybe i won`t feel that way when suddenly there`s school and work and boys and movies but right now, siting in mac shack in san pedro cholula i can`t imagine my life any other way. I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ. I am a part of this gospel. And there isn`t room for doubt in my heart or in my mind. I can`t imagine my life in another mission with other people or in another place. This is MY mission. I feel like Ruth now, in the bible when her mother in law is like, `I have nothing else for you now, and Ruth responds: