Monday, May 8, 2017

In which Tory truly is a missionary...

My week was....good and bad. I`ve been feeling a lot of things about a lot of things and about a lot of people but more than anything I feel.....sad. I sometimes feel a little bit of regret for the days where I took the easy way out instead of being diligent but I can honestly say that there have been a lot less of those days then there have been of those days were I kept going even when I didn`t want to. I pushed through even though I didn`t want to. And I`m talking about my whole mission, not just this week. I remember in the MTC thinking....how on earth did Ammon say `I wish to stay among this people, perhaps until the day I die.' when I was feeling like I couldn`t stand another minute away from my home. But now....I can say that I feel the same.Yea, I desire to dwell among this people for a time,  perhaps until the day that I die. Mexico is my home now. I have two homes.

This is probably the last email that I`m going to send while I still have the calling as a full time missionary.  Being a missionary is what I am. I am a missionary. Not a very good one but I am a missionary. And I don`t know how to do anything else. I feel......I feel way too many things about my mission. I feel like in that jeffery r. holland talk. `My love is richer than my tongue...I cannot heave my heart into my mouth.' 

I haven`t done everything perfectly as a missionary. It`s been harder than I ever imagined it would be. I didn`t enjoy every second of it but I can say that there was never a day where I didn`t at least try, sometimes it was a half effort because I felt exhausted spiritually but I`ve always tried. I feel......I feel like I am a good missionary. I remember, in chapter eight of Preach My Gospel there`s an activity that is like, ' imagine your last day in the mission. what do you want to say you`ve done as a missionary this day?` and throughout my mission i`ve done that activity various times and everytime I can only think of, `I just want to do everything that the Lord expects of me.'  And I feel like I have. I have done everything that he expects of me. I`ve done everything I could. I`ve strived to be obedient, I`ve tried my best en everything and I have truly come to realize a line in my patriarcal blessing that says, ' Let the gospel not only be a part of your life but let the gospel be what you are'.

The gospel is what I am. Maybe because i`m living the gospel more fully than ever before in my life and maybe i won`t feel that way when suddenly there`s school and work and boys and movies but right now, siting in mac shack in san pedro cholula i can`t imagine my life any other way. I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ. I am a part of this gospel. And there isn`t room for doubt in my heart or in my mind. I can`t imagine my life in another mission with other people or in another place. This is MY mission. I feel like Ruth now, in the bible when her mother in law is like, `I have nothing else for you now, and Ruth responds: Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whithethou goest, will goand where thou lodgest, will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

But at the same time, I know missions have to end. This has been the eighteen months of my life and they`ve also been the worst. But the mission isn`t the most important thing in life. It was for this time and still is for this week because I`m a missionary but at the end, this isn`t everything Heavenly Father has planned for me. This is only the beginning and every good thing that happens to me from now on I know, I know that it is thanks to my mission. If nothing else, my mission has brought me fully and completely unto Christ and I have been changed thanks to Him. Not for anything I`ve done. But at least I can say that the gospel is who I am. 

I don`t know what else to say. I have to go know. I have to write to president and I feel a lot of preassure to finish with a bang and be really impressive and spiritual but i don`t think it`s going to be that way.

i love you. And i`ll see you on Tuesday.

Sincerly,

Hermana Mills

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